Update / Jean Smith (Wife)
Hey Hun,
Just an update for you. I haven't chatted in awhile with you.
So much stuff has been happening in our lives.
Lets start with Jess. She is in my opinion not doing so well. The kids are good but she could be in a better position than she is. Her boyfriend is abusive he likes to love her at the end of his fists. I hate to see her like that I wish she would look for a way out, I tried to get her out of there and she just went back. I'm not sure and I'm having a very hard time understanding why she would want to be there in that position. The kids are doing good, Maddie is absolutely beautiful, I wish you were here for her to see you. You talks about you all the time, My Puppa she says. I'm sorry that she lost you. Brauk Edward is doing good too. He is so cute, Hun. He looks just like Jess when she was a baby. I saw them the other day on the 21 st of July, i wish they lived closer to me. I would feel more comfortable if they did I would feel more like I could help her. Watch over them and protect them from any harm that may come to them.
Now for John. He quit his job with Ryan but he is now fishing with his father. I hope it all works out for him but time will tell I guess. He wants to learn some things about fishing from his father fair enough I guess I just hope it works the 2 of them together. He just bought a truck I'm not too happy about that but again like Jess what am I going to say they are adults now and I have to learn that. I can't protect them forever now can I? He is otherwise doing good works every day and works hard. He has a very good work ethic. He too is a handsome looking guy. Our children are growing up right in front of me and the more time that passes is all the more time we are without you. He needs you sometimes alot, but then I think we all do. He is a fine young man thank-you for all your help with him. As with Jess look over him and try to help him mkae good decisions.
Now for Tab. Lets see, I don't feel like anything I do is good enough for her. I'm feeling real inadaquate here. I try to please her but to no avail I fail miserably. I'm hoping we can get on the same track but it is a very hard battle for me I guess I should of been more attentive. She is still very much into her art and she draws often. I wish we could talk more about you I think it would help if we did, even if she yelled at me it would be something. I wish we had better communication with each other. We will be going to pick out your headstone together, hoping to get it set by the time the 22 nd comes around. Pray for us and help us to open the lines of communication I want to be there for her she just needs to let me in.
The pets. They are all good well the cats are good but Tink as you can imagine is getting very old. I think that when you left a part of him went too. People think I'm crazy when I say that but I really think it affected him lots, he just isn't the same dog he used to be he has lost a certain spark about him but then we all did when we lost you. Twix is good and Poofy too she kinda drives me nuts with her meowing but she is a girl right?
Now for me. Ha where to start. I'm just lost. I somedays don't even know where to start. Waking up used to be a good start but now I don't know the more time that passes the harder it seems to get. Life was good with you we understood each other no questions, I knew what you wanted and you knew what I wanted it was so good no guessing. I find myself guessing and double guessing every decision I make is it the right one, have I made a mistake, always second guessing it is so crazy I used to have you there to help with all these things now I'm on my own kinda funky. Making so many decisions on my own, decisions that I planned on making with you now I have to ask myself when I do make a decision if it is the right one and having to have faith in myself on the decisions that I do make. I met a guy that was a hard decision to make was I doing the right thing? I feel so guilty, it feels like I'm cheating on you. I am very much still in love with you. It isn't working for me I'm trying to find something that I will never have back yet I want it so bad. I still very much miss the smell of your body, your big hands the ones that just made everything okay, nothing is okay anymore, your eyes that held all our hopes and all of our dreams, gone, I feel so empty, so alone, but then I am aren't I? You still hold the key to my heart I wish we could use it again. I just would like to have you back, with all the love that we had for each other. I felt so secure like nothing could happen to me well it did and now I'm here trying to figure out how I can make it good again and I'm not sure if I can. It feels like I've been condemned to a life that I'd rather not live but it is the one I've been dealt and now I have to try to make it right. I'm gonna keep trying but again not so sure I can do it. Well enough of how bad my life is, did I really think it would be any different. We were together for a very long time and the time that we had together I got used to that and now I'm having to change everything it is just very hard.
I'll see you again someday I'm sure and hoping when I do that you take me in your arms and let me feel the love I long for so much these days. It is all I need: your love. Help me protect my heart, Please? Oh Hun.
Take Care Sweet Angel, I will try to do the same. Love and Miss You tons and tons. Love You Me OXOX ^i^
Close 
Tributes and Condolences
hey uncle if you only know how much that i missed you and carol and uncle charles it is so hard for me to get on line and think of what i'm going to say of course you know how much i miss you all. it is just as if you never left us at all.if everyone knew you and carol like we know you they would know how special you two were. you and carol have beautiful grandchildren and i know that you are watching over them. yesterday was jess's birthday. hard to believe that she turned twenty two already. i sure do miss her and the kids. the only one here with me is dex. you would so love him you and carol have something to be very proud of. but before i close i just want to say that i love you both from the bottom of my heart.give my love to my family and all of your angel friends and let thier parents anf riends know how brave they are. my love always to you ma 
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